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OtherTruth.comThis piece was written for the satire site OtherTruth.com (2005).



Six-year-old George W. Bush supporter and Atlanta resident Tommy Evans reaffirmed his loyalty to the Grand Old Party this week.

Tommy recalls that he was first attracted to the Republican Party for their lax stance on gun control, total-war mentality, “and because of the elephant. It’s such a cool mascot!” He also acknowledged that Bush’s firm stance against terrorism helped sway his allegiance. “I’m 99.9% sure [eight-year-old sister] Margaret is an al-Qaida operative,” added the six-year-old.

Political analysts have long noted that the Republican Party platform sits well with the 1st through 6th grade demographic, or those with a similar educational background. “Of course it’s never been the party for Ph.D.’s,” says Peter Burns at the Republican think tank in Waco, Texas. “Let’s just say that if you actual study the root causes of international policy and have a thoughtful, cautious stance on the ramifications of war, you’re probably not on the guest list for the GOP barbecues.”

As the six-year-old founder of the bi-weekly Atlanta Republican and Trampoline Party, Tommy finds this sort of ignoramus elitism particularly attractive. “I kick the eggheads out of my tree house all the time. And girls too,” added Tommy pinching his nostrils closed with one hand and swatting away imaginary stink lines with the other. The young Republican observed that women have traditionally sided with Democrats on most issues anyway.

Asked whether recent scandals like the indictment of Vice President Cheney’s chief of staff have caused him to question his allegiance to the GOP, Tommy says that he will not waver.

“Since a very young age I have been witness to dirty tricks. Like when I was 4, [local Democrat and political-nemesis] Kevin [Matthews] told the whole class I smelled like an elephant’s butt. My advice to Scooter is to ride through it.” Added Tommy, “P.S., Hillary Clinton is a booger face.”

Nonetheless, Tommy admits that when he grows up and receives an education he may leave the door open to other political parties. “I’m hoping the Dems have grown out of their wussy phase by the time I’m eighteen,” he says.

© 2005 by b.z.