Six-year-old George W. Bush supporter and Atlanta resident
Tommy Evans reaffirmed his loyalty to the Grand Old Party this week.
Tommy recalls that he was first attracted to the Republican Party for their
lax stance on gun control, total-war mentality, “and because of the elephant.
It’s such a cool mascot!” He also acknowledged that Bush’s
firm stance against terrorism helped sway his allegiance. “I’m
99.9% sure [eight-year-old sister] Margaret is an al-Qaida operative,” added
Political analysts have long noted that the Republican Party platform sits
well with the 1st through 6th grade demographic, or those with a similar
educational background. “Of course it’s never been the party for Ph.D.’s,” says
Peter Burns at the Republican think tank in Waco, Texas. “Let’s just
say that if you actual study the root causes of international policy and have
a thoughtful, cautious stance on the ramifications of war, you’re probably
not on the guest list for the GOP barbecues.”
As the six-year-old founder of the bi-weekly Atlanta Republican and Trampoline
Party, Tommy finds this sort of ignoramus elitism particularly attractive. “I
kick the eggheads out of my tree house all the time. And girls too,” added
Tommy pinching his nostrils closed with one hand and swatting away imaginary
stink lines with the other. The young Republican observed that women have
traditionally sided with Democrats on most issues anyway.
Asked whether recent scandals like the indictment of Vice President Cheney’s
chief of staff have caused him to question his allegiance to the GOP, Tommy says
that he will not waver.
“Since a very young age I have been witness to dirty tricks. Like when
I was 4, [local Democrat and political-nemesis] Kevin [Matthews] told
the whole class I smelled like an elephant’s butt. My advice to Scooter
is to ride through it.” Added Tommy, “P.S., Hillary Clinton is a
Nonetheless, Tommy admits that when he grows up and receives an education
he may leave the door open to other political parties. “I’m hoping the
Dems have grown out of their wussy phase by the time I’m eighteen,” he