|if I forget to say "I love you" (and I do sometimes), I hope that you know that I still do.|
(vi. the story of the sea)
The Doctor has already come by for a final visit, too. She had promised she would not forget to say goodbye. It seems that shell be too busy to see me off when I leave, so she spared this time to say some final words. What a difficult life she must have. Those watches never give her a moments rest.
She asks me what I will do when I leave the hospital.
"Many things," I tell her. "But the first thing I will do is try to invent love."
This is a sensitive subject for the Doctor. Ive spoken to her about love before, but Im not sure she understands what it means. She keeps telling me about gifts, and dates, and promises to make when youre in love. But none of these acts has anything to do with love. Sometimes I cant imagine that were speaking of the same thing.
So I ask the Doctor to define love. And she thinks and she thinks for such a long time that she forgets what she is doing.
"Thats love," I say.
But she doesnt understand.
So I ask her again to define love. And she thinks and she thinks for a long time. And, just like before, eventually she gives up.
"Thats love," I say.
She looks at me with empty eyes so I know I must explain.
"When you forget about time and dates, when you cant think of anything else but the person: thats love. When you forget what youre doing," I say. "Thats love." Although I havent told her, love is actually a lot like dreaming.
But the Doctor laughs. Note this moment well, Reader, because it is the only time I remember hearing the Doctor laugh. And it is about something that is not funny at all!
Love is such an important thing. Unfortunately, it has become difficult since people, like the Doctor, became so busy. People dont have time to talk to one another anymore. They have to schedule appointments and prepare meetings in order to speak. And now they think too much before each sentence, carefully choosing words that dont reveal their true feelings. First they gave up their eyes, but now people have even forgotten how to use words to express their feelings.
Its too bad because speech used to be much lighter and easier. Words were meaningful before, and weightless. They were so light that the wind could carry them. The world was showered in conversations. When you said, "How are you?" you might get a million replies. And when someone said "Thank you," the words "Youre welcome" blew everywhere like spring. Words did not bear the pressure that they do now.
Today you have to shout loudly for anyone to hear you. The sound of your words must overcome both the fear and the distance people have put between themselves. And yet, still, people use words improperly. They use them to say the strangest and most impolite things. They even use them, like the Doctor tries, to say goodbye.
The Doctor stops laughing as I tell her more about love. I try to assure her that many people have found love in private. This gives me the hope that I can invent a love that will be good for everyone.
A tear falls from my eye. I will admit to you, Reader, that I cant think of love without crying. This isnt surprising I suppose, because the first tears must have come from a malformed love. Just think of all the teardrops that have been shed in the trials of love. After all, it is from tears that water first fell. Whole oceans have already been born from such tears. Until someone succeeds in inventing true love, the world will remain wet.
Words, too, have gotten mixed up in these teardrops. As people use words to explain away their tears, the words have become wetter, and heavier too. Words are certainly the cause of all the misunderstandings in the world. Yet in the world of eyes, it is impossible for you to know what Im thinking without words. Reader, if I forget to say "I love you" (and I do sometimes), I hope that you know that I still do.
I continue looking at the Doctor, although by this time she has turned her eyes away. "Whats the matter with your eyes?" I ask her. She lets me take her hand, and I hold on to it tightly. I am cheerful, and doing my best to explain to her about love. But strangely, and this I cant explain, the Doctor has started to cry, too.