b.z. humdrum [ Home / Writing Samples / Satire /]


OtherTruth.comThis piece was written for the satire site OtherTruth.com (2005).



In a pre-emptive move against liberals, freethinkers, pacifists, and other ne’er-do-wells, Christian evangelical Pat Robertson has called for a wave of assassinations “in the name of Christ’s love.” The appeal broadcast today on Robertson’s daily television program came in an apparent moment of divine fervor at which point he added “nannies, vegetarians, and babies with Latino or Oriental names” to an ever growing list of targets.

The plea for the mass killings of God’s children caused a flurry of calls to Robertson’s CBN television network from devotees seeking clarification about the preacher’s newest missive. Later the same day Robertson issued a statement via his web site saying, “I meant Latino- or Oriental-sounding names too. Like Lee and Winn.”

Today’s posting further expanded Robertson’s list of individuals ready for brotherly Christian slaughter to “ice-cream truck drivers, smutty candy stripers, and kids who won’t eat their peas.” Added Robertson, “Peas are delicious. What sort of witchcraft has caused these children of Satan to reject God’s teachings?”

A list of animals and imaginary creatures also found themselves specifically targeted. “Disobedient puppies, unicorns, and Marxist-Leninist beehives along with their bloc of soviet ant colonies shall be scourged from God’s Earth as He and His Awesome Gang of Disciplinarians intended,” voiced Robertson in an apparent reference to Jesus and his disciples. “Leprechauns too, and that doubting Thomas from Star Trek with the pointed ears.”

The evangelical preacher whose 700 Club reaches millions of Americans everyday has made headlines recently for carrying out God’s divine plan in new and startlingly innovative ways. Last summer he called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and in 2003 he suggested that the US State Department be blown up with a nuclear device.

Robertson’s strict constructionist interpretation of the Bible also asserts that feminism encourages women to “kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” He later issued an apology for the statement, pointing out that “God is tolerant and loving, but loving others often requires the murder or lynching of thy neighbors.”

With his latest slew of proposed killings, Robertson has managed to alienate nearly everyone outside the southern United States. Police questioning the television personality Thursday asked whether he was openly threatening groups with the intention to harm, a crime in some US states. “I didn't say ‘assassination,’” clarified the evangelical preacher. “I said ‘ass ass I nation.’ That could mean a number of things, including the intentional and premeditated killing of a disliked or unwanted figure. It’s all in the Bible, Galatians 6:7.”

© 2005 by b.z.