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This piece was written for no good reason at all (2006). But it's now set to be published by Don't Tip the Waiter.

Olive Garden’s “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” forcing scientists, waiters to rethink thermodynamics


Santa Cruz, CA — Overworked servers at area-wide Olive Garden Restaurants are complaining that the company’s trademark “never ending pasta bowl” promotion puts undue strain on the wait staff, alongside defying accepted laws of physics.

The “never ending pasta bowl” guarantees restaurant patrons an infinite amount of selected pasta combinations in addition to an impracticable supply of salad and breadsticks. The breakneck pace at which servers are expected to deliver the food harks back to the debate between “Old World” paternalistic inspirations and modern rebellious flavor, says sociologist Amanda Rupert. “Mamma mia,” she says. “After all, when you’re here, you’re family.”

The promotion is also drawing ire from the scientific community, which has long held that the waiters’ never-ending, perpetual motion is precluded by the second law of thermodynamics. Graver still, the 42 permutations of pasta, sauce, and unlimited meatballs and sausage portend untold damage to the universe.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed,” explains Caltech physicist Albert Simmons. In an article published in the October issue of Scientific American, Simmons maintains that the unworkable amount of matter required by Olive Garden restaurants will eventually lead to the concentration of all substance in our solar system within a 4-mile radius of the restaurant chain’s 582 locations.

“Viewed from space, it will look kind of like a bunch of meatballs on the rolling fettuccine hills of the earth’s crust.” Added Simmons, “I can’t stop thinking about their inviting faux-Tuscan atmosphere.”

Olive Garden’s corporate offices were quick to respond to the allegations. At a press conference Thursday, company spokesman Kevin McNeil asserted that strict policies already in place limit the promotion’s effect on the space-time continuum. “Our highly-trained servers keep the universe’s matter in check by stringent limited-time-only and dine-in-only parameters.”

Waiters further warned that the Olive Garden’s “astronomical prices” and the “cheap-o bastards who dine there” were similarly disastrous to the fabric of the universe.

© 2006 by b.z.