Presented here is the first chapter in a forthcoming children's book. The following will likely appear eventually in a slightly different form. If you have any comments, you can e-mail.
Thanks for reading. You are very kind.
or, The story that never happened
(in the place that never was)
*** A Note Concerning Your Toes
As the author of this most unimaginable story I feel I should tell you, before you even begin to think otherwise, that the following work is pure fiction. Any resemblance to real monsters is wholly unintentional and entirely coincidental. Everything written here is totally made up, invented for no reasonable reason, and is—in most cases, and according to most people—utter and unforgivable nonsense. Some of it is so foolish that you may even drop the book in exasperation and injure your toe.
More importantly, you should not mistake this story that never happened for actual events, nor believe such places that never were could really have existed. As you’ve probably suspected for some time, the world truly is becoming a dull place where nothing interesting or thrilling ever occurs. The incidents about which you intend to read are entirely the opposite. They are far from ordinary, in general totally beyond belief, and oftentimes so staggeringly ridiculous that the most delicate readers endanger injury to their inflexible brains. And their toes (see above).
Though you can feel safe in knowing that none of this ever actually happened, it does, unfortunately, bear a striking resemblance to what will occur in the not-so-distant future. This is why it is meant only for children with healthy, stretchy imaginations that extend far beyond their tippy toes. Under no circumstances should this book be allowed to fall into the hands of unsupervised adults who use children’s books to hold up wobbly tables. And it goes without saying that if you clap your hands and laugh joyfully upon seeing factoids, encyclopedia entries, mathematical formulas, and axiomatic gobbledygook—or if you are overly cautious about the welfare of your toes—well, you’ve probably already tossed this story out into the garbage heap by now.
Lastly, for the timid reader, should you come across any monsters claiming or bearing a likeness to the monsters in this book, you would best be advised to shut your closet door. Tightly.
© 2006 by b.z.