A Message to the Director of an Internet provider:

I am writing to ask you to take under consideration the persistent problems that I have faced in regards to your company’s Internet service. As I have already stated in previous correspondence, my connection to the Internet is very important to me for personal reasons. Since I haven’t much success speaking to women in person, I am forced to "chat" with them via the Internet. I simply pretend that I am a fourteen-year-old girl, and as such am able to talk with them about makeup, cute dresses, soap operas, and the like. Of course, we talk about boys, too! As you are no doubt aware, women everywhere are exactly the same. My predicament is this: I find myself wondering how I am supposed to get to know these girls when my Internet connection – as slow as a tortoise on sedatives – disconnects at the most critical moments. The other day, speaking with an extraordinarily pleasant girl named Andrea, she was about to tell me whether she thought Ricky Martin cuter than Brad Pitt when my connection suddenly dropped. It is obvious that Ricky is the cuter of the two, I know, but I wanted to know her opinion so that we could agree and laugh like we little girls are apt to do. Your company, dear sir, alleges to do everything for its clients, yet you forget so easily about the weighty problems of young women my age. I do not like you, Mr. Director that thinks himself important. You are a chauvinist, a misogynist, and a pig. Oink.

To the director of the English Department:

I am writing this letter so that the esteemed director might know the severe conditions of the restrooms here in the English Department, because it is obvious that you, sir, have never entered. How can I explain the sensation of filth, the insufferable odor for lack of cleanliness? To enter in such a bathroom is to enter another world, a place without joy, dark and somber, almost without life save the tiny creatures crawling upon the floor and down the walls. Consider, if you please, that each day enter there students of the English Department – individuals who in the future will be the authors, journalists, and leaders of a new, cleaner life. These souls enter into unsanitary conditions because of your soiled restrooms. There is not even soap to be found there, and so their hands remain dirty, as if they had washed them in the filthy waters of a drainage pipe. I beg you, sir director, to improve these conditions, for they cannot get much worse.

A Message to Candidates for Immigration:

Everyone is aware that the United States is a destination for many immigrants each and every day. This is because America is a country that treats them well. When immigrants arrive in the country, they first shake the hand of Mickey Mouse, and then of the current president, both of whom have come to pick them up from the airport. Later on, all the immigrants that have arrived in the day are invited to a party at the White House. There everyone drinks beverages typical of the country -- Budweiser for the adults, and Tennessee whiskey for the kids. The following day, all the immigrants must attend a school to learn about their new country. They learn to be exaggerated, agitated, intense, and irrational -- just like everyone else in America. In addition, they receive a firearm because, as everyone is keenly aware, all kids carry handguns to school in this country. If the person has rather white skin, he will also attend classes in country music, and if he is a bit darker, classes in hip-hop. All this ensures that everyone in the country will be equal, and of course, so that the immigrant does not bring his ignorant and backwards culture to the United States. America is a country without culture, and its citizens would like to keep it that way.