This piece was written for the satire site OtherTruth.com (2005).
JUDGE FINDS INTELLIGENT DESIGN FLAWED, “BUT IN A GOOD WAY”
HARRISBURG, Pa. — A District Federal Court in Pennsylvania ruled today that Intelligent Design is not only an appropriate theory to be taught in schools, but is “way easier for kids to understand.”
In a transcript of the decision, Judge John E. Jones III defended his ruling noting that God was able to explain succinctly the origin of all things in just one chapter of the book of Genesis while Darwin’s Origin of Species “is, like, a whole a book with all kinds of stuff no child should even have the leisure time to think about.”
During the trial, evolutionists countered that the amount of evidence presented in Darwin’s classic is necessary to explain the basic concepts of geology, biology, and adaptation that has take place over billions of years.
Outspoken Dover school board’s William Buckingham was hardly moved. “The Bible weighs more. Depending on the edition, sometimes by over one pound. It’s really that big of a book.” Asked during the trial to clarify the school board’s position, Buckingham explained that “when deciding over the collective fate of our youth, I go with my gut, and my gut tells me that I’d sooner have my son reading a divisive, violent treatise that people have been killing each other over for thousands of years than some well-supported scientific consensus based upon observable data.”
Parents in Dover applauded the ruling. “I’m sick of [my daughter] Jackie spouting off a bunch of hooey she learned in school about ol’ man Darwin. If I say an inconsistent and wrathful God created the earth and the heavens, goddamn it, Jackie should take it as gospel. And if I say to forget that part about Lot sleeping with his two daughters, so help me if she pushes herself into my bed one more time asking me to make her a baby brother.”
Uproar around the trial took a fantastic turn when it was discovered that a leading defense attorney for the school board had been previously tried in an Alabama court for failing to help his son, Ezekiel, who was choking on a novelty foot-long hotdog. “If it’s his time to go, I’ve no right to intervene with God’s will,” stated Humphrey at the time. He further pointed out that the Heimlich maneuver “is only a theory,” too.
Even after the ruling, critics continue to point out that there is nothing “intelligent” about God’s chosen design for human beings. Mentioned frequently in the trial, the prosecution unsuccessfully cited the dual purpose the male penis, used both in procreation and in urination, as particularly ill conceived. “Sure, one organ doing two jobs cuts down on size and weight, but it’s totally sick when you think about.”
However it was defense attorney Patrick Gillen’s fervent rebuttal that won over Judge Jones. “I’m perfectly pleased with the size and function of my manly appendage. And I’m sure His Honor feels the same.”
Scott A. Minnich, defense witness and professor of microbiology at the University of Idaho, spoke directly to the heart of the scientific debate. “I totally didn’t get that monkey-man connection in the first place. I mean, I don’t even like bananas. Does that make me hyper-evolved?” he said laughing raucously and slapping his knee. Added Minnich, “I haven’t thrown my own feces at a fertile female since the seventh-grade. Explain that, science.”
In a jubilant statement outside the courthouse Dover school board member Alan Bonsell told a fervent crowd of churchgoers and meddlesome fanatics, “No longer will our children be compelled to study arguments based on evidence, research and peer-reviewed articles – because, luckily, intelligent design has none of these.
“Now we can think about more important things,” he continued. “Like how come God designed gay people?”
© 2005 by b.z.